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Seth Black
Posts:36
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Posted:11/05/2005 14:45:03 |
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Top 18 Reasons that Sex = Aikido
1. You learn a lot more by doing it than by talking about it.
2. It can result in a need for medical attention, particularly if you aren't careful or pick the wrong partner.
3. You can never get enough of it, but you do have to stop to rest sometimes.
4. You always perform better with a longtime partner.
5. It's best to start out on a soft, but not too springy surface.
6. Some people find that hitting their partner lightly helps make it better.
7. When it's good it's really good, and when it's bad it's still not bad!
8. If you do it in public you will get funny looks, and attract police.
9. There are special clubs devoted to it that most people don't know anything about.
10. The only form of solo practice gives you very strong wrists.
11. Faster does not mean better.
12. Sometimes your knees get sore.
13. Sensitivity and good timing make for excellent technique.
14. "Full extension" helps to guide your partner through the "exercise".
15. It's important in many cases to bend your knees and lower your hips.
16. Special equipment can make it more interesting.
17. Some people find that the harder it is, the better.
18. You can do it with several people simultaneously.
Top 13 reasons Aikido is better than sex
1. You can practice Aikido with a lot of people of both sexes without getting your SO angry at you.
2. You can't catch an STD from practicing Aikido.
3. You get to try more positions in a typical session.
4. Everyone gets to enjoy multiple climaxes.
5. No unwanted pregnancies from practicing Aikido
6. Threesomes (and more) are part of the normal curriculum, they often require special accessories (Jo, Bokken, Tanto). And nobody thinks that you are kinky if you practice them
7. Nage and Uke can switch places, so there is no need for "how does it feel on your side" type questions.
8. It is easier to "stand tall" when performing before a crowd.
9. Male performers can handle several partners in one session.
10. Not even your parents think you should eventually select a life-long partner.
11. The techniques are taught in public and there is no need to blush when you buy books on this topic...
12. Your partner doesn't get offended if immediately afterwards you go out for a cold beer.
13. When someone swings a weapon at you, you're allowed to defend yourself 'cause you're not ball-gagged and strung up with cutting leather strings. (Oops! Wrong list again. AAHHH )
Aiki-bonics
• Kotegaeshi = wrist break
• Shiho nage = your mother throw
• Ikkyo / oshitaoshi = elbow break
• Nikyo / kote mawashi = indian rug burn
• Sankyo = wrist twist thingy that makes opponent stand on toes
• Yonkyo / tekubi osae = OUCH! QUIT IT!
• Gokyo = same damn thing as ikkyo, but different
• Rokkyo = irrelevant, technique does not exist
• Kubishime = choke the bastard
• Irimi nage = clothesline throw
• Tekubi dori / katate dori / morote dori = "grab my wrist"
• Shomen uchi = Judo Chop
• Yokomen uchi = haymaker
• Tsuki = punch (a novel idea)
• Maegeri = irrelevant, no kicks in Aikido
• Mae geri = nut kick
• Mawashi geri = spinning diarrhea
• Munadori = titty twister
• Kokyu nage = bad breath
• Shomen ate = bitch slap
• Musubi = stuck like pig snot to a fence post
• Ken = weed whacker
• Jo = switch
• Hara = gut
• Jodan = up there
• Chudan = yea high
• Gedan = down there
• Kaeshi waza = woops, that din' work
• Jiyu waza = yeah, I meant to do that
• Ki = B.O. [see misogi]
• Kiai = holler
• Kuzushi = cow tippin'
• Misogi = saturday bath
• Mokuso = sit down and shut up
• Mushin = cousin Bubba Joe-Bob
• Sutemi = gettin' rid o' the evidence
• Nage = bully
• Uke = chump
What are the signs of Aikidoholism?
The following questions will help a person learn if he/she has some of the symptoms of Aikidoholism. He/she or a member of his/her family may need help.
1. Do you occasionally practice heavily after a disappointment, a quarrel, or when the boss gives you a hard time?
2. When you have trouble or feel under pressure, do you always practice more heavily than usual?
3. Have you noticed that you are able to handle more Aikido than you did when you were first practicing?
4. When practicing with other people, do you try to do a few extra techniques when others will not know it?
5. Are there certain occasions when you feel uncomfortable if Aikido is not available?
6. Have you noticed that when you begin practicing you're in more of a hurry to get to the first technique than you used to be?
7. Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your Aikido?
8. Are you secretly irritated when your family or friends discuss your growing preoccupation with Aikido?
9. Do you often find that you wish to continue practicing after your friends say you have had enough?
10. Have you tried switching dojos or following different plans for controlling or cutting down on your Aikido?
11. Have you often failed to keep the promises you made to yourself about controlling or cutting down on your Aikido?
12. Have you ever tried to control your Aikidoholism by making a change in jobs or moving to a new location?
13. Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you are practicing?
14. Do more people seem to be throwing you harder without good reason?
15. Do you eat very little or irregularly when you are practicing?
16. Do you sometimes have the "shakes" in the morning and find it helps to have a little nikkyo?
17. Have you recently noticed that you cannot practice as much as you once did?
18. Do you sometimes practice for several days at a time?
19. Sometimes after periods of practice, do you see or hear things that aren't there?
If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you have some of the symptoms that may indicate Aikidoholism.
"Yes" answers to several of the questions indicate the following stages of Aikidoholism:
Questions 1-7: Early stage.
Questions 8-16: Middle stage.
Questions 17-19: The beginning of the final stage.
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